A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
