Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
