Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize