Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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