my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
