Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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