She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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