I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
