1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
