can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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