Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Im part way to drunk.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
