the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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