the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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