my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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