drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
