I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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