Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize