You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
