She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
