I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
