I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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