That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
