Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
