So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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