roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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