Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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