Your face is a jimmy john
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
