Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
