Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
