I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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