She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
