Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
