mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
