We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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