I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize