he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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