i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
