I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
