totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
