It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
