Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
