so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
