I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
