The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
