He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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