When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need mimosas to revive my soul
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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