i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
