I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
