Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
