So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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