I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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