I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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