He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize