I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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