No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
