Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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