Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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