remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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